It's Not My Problem or is it?
by burning-monday
Summary: Hawkeye and BJ have been drinking again, for some strange reason the new nurse just cant keep her nose out of it so the over angry girl sets off to sober up the two surgeons. -- rates M for coarse language and minor suggestive themes Hawkeye OC
1. I WONT STAND DRUNKS!

My first fanfic!! YAY! I may be the youngest MASH fan out there…

Disclaimer: I don't own M*A*S*H… too bad

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Hawkeye and BJ where drunk, again. No not again, OVER AND OVER AND OVER! Night and day, it was either drunk or hung over, thank blessed god we have not had any casualties in the past few days or the undertakers would get overload!

"What the hell is wrong with you too!" I screamed bloody murder in their red and puffy hammered faces,

"Wert's wrong,sweety? Yoush ash funny ash a cattler prod~" Hawkeye blubbered, spilling his glass of poison on his bed, he looked at the mess in disappointment.

"What's wrong! WHAT"S WRONG?" I screeched. "You too are sitting on your messing flipin' beds drinking flipin' booze after you've already drinking how many freaking glasses?"

"Dono, I'm not keppin' track," BJ snorted at his 'hilarious' joke, Hawkeye poured himself another glass.

I shook my head and was just about to smash their ugly faces together when my friend and fellow nurse grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the tent.

"Seriously, Mandy," Yolanda shook her head, "your not exactly one to tell them off for drinking to much."

"Not as much as those potlicking creeps!" I growled, "AND WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING! THAT I DRINK TO MUCH??"

"I'm not all that sure that you aren't hammered right now." She said pulling me to the nurses tent, me screaming the whole way.

"What the hell is going on here??" We both froze,

"Nothing, Major Hoolihan…" I muttered,

"It dosent look like nothing!" the silver haired major shouted, "You know I wont allow any intamite contact between my nurses and the surgeons!"

"What? You thought… Oh God No! I didn't, EW! YUCK! No no no no, nothing like that!"

"It sure looked like that!" She frowned, "Get to the nurses tent immediately! I don't want to here a PEEP out of you!"

As she turned a away, I couldn't help myself,

"Peep!"

And so that's how I got stuck with bedpan duty all week.

"Shew, whatsh you doin' tonite?" Hawkeye grinned, nearly tripping on his own feet,

"Are you hitting on me?" I snarled, "Buzz of drunk."

"Aw, don' be like dat sweety!" He stumbled, his arms outstretched, I spun around, grabbed the collar of his shirt and slammed him to the floor,

"Stay back, fool," I spat, letting him up, I shook my head and sent him out the door so I could, EW, continue emptying bedpans.

I couldn't stand around, I just couldn't! I'm a perfectionist, what ever, but their drunken faces where such an eyesore!

"SOBER UP!!" I screeched, BJ and Hawkeye stared,

"What?"

"You heard me, soon we'll have patients! Then what?"

"Winsheser ish here," Hawkeye complained,

"He's on R&R Hawk." I said, damn, I'm starting to call him Hawk!

"Oh."

I sighed; they needed to get of the booze. Good thing I had a plan. One with lot's of trickery, violence and stealing, as always!

Please Read and Review first chapter!


	2. What? No injuring?

"Finally they're asleep," I sat slumped in the bushes beside the swamp, "I was afraid the would drink all night!"

I crept over to the door and pushed it open slowly, it creaked slightly causing one of the two drunks to snort. I cursed and walked inside, shutting the door behind me.

With inner maniacal laughter running through my head I picked up their stupid still, accidentally dropping some gadget hooked to the side.

"Damn," I whispered, struggling to pick the silver object up when another piece of the still fell of. I picked up the first bit, grabbed the second bit, caught a falling third bit, and a fourth bit fell.

I gathered all the pieces and hurried out the door.

"Mandy?" Yolanda was walking out of the latrine, "What are you doing?"

"Dealing with the still." I snapped, chucking it in a nearby waste can.

"What about the officers club?" she inquired annoyingly, " They can get drunk there…"

"Then I'll have to 'incapacitate' them so they can't go." I stated, Yolanda shook her head,

"No hurting them, Mandy."

"Why not?" I asked, she just stared at me,

"Umm, why? Because you are deliberately injuring them?"

"And?" I asked, confused,

"And it's wrong?" She answered,

"So? Throwing out the still was wrong too and I did that with out a problem." I skipped along my marry way to find a suitable object to send them to a hospital bed.

"Mandy, I said no." Yolanda grabbed me, making me angry; I hate it when people physically touch me.

"Aw, come on Yolanda!" I whined,

"No! Come on! Just send them to some recovering alcoholics group!"

"You actually think there's one in the army?" I said incredulously, "I still think bashing their heads open is a better idea."

"Call Sidney," Yolanda suggested,

"The psychiatrist?"

"Umm, yeah? How many Sidneys do you know?"

"True." I sighed, "Fine. But I still get to alt least kick them after."

"You might want to see him while he's here too." Yolanda said under her breath, I pretended to ignore her; I'm good at that.

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Sorry about the delay, and all the short chapters. I'll get it really going soon, you'll see!

Please read and respond! Chapter three will be long! I promise!


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